The dark cloud of Alzheimer’s threatened. I kept forgetting things said and done. Time concepts, simple vocabulary, and familiar names eluded me.
Shocked that firemen sat in front of the firehouse in shorts, I thought it was early March, not late August after a blistering summer. Later, on December 8, I was sure it was the day after Christmas. Once, I thought my name was Pat, not Kay.
Once I had no recollection of home. While taking off in an airplane, I couldn’t recall the name of the town I was from, what my house looked like, what airport I was flying from, or how.
It was 1999, and I was terrified of what the future might hold for me. And for my husband. Desperate, I prayed, seeking strength, courage, and understanding of what God wanted from me.
The Lord spoke as clearly as if I’d heard words. He said, “If you decline until you can’t do anything and don’t know anything except My love, will that be enough? Will you be content?”
Is God’s love sufficient? My measure of worth was too tied up with how productive I was. I doubted I could be content if I was not productive.
After wrestling with God, I conceded, “I’m willing to be content to know only your love, but I need for you to teach me how.”
I discovered I had mercury poisoning. When the mercury was removed, my cognition greatly improved. God gave me a second chance.
However, headaches began to trouble me, increasing in frequency and intensity until my days were dominated by migraines. Doctors couldn’t identify their source or find any help. Headaches ruled my life and greatly curtailed my productivity. For four months, I had one day and two half days when I was headache free and felt okay.
God’s question returned, “Am I enough? Would you be content with just knowing My love?”
God has been with me. I’ve experienced His love, grace, and strength in the midst of migraines. I’ve known that His grace is sufficient.
But, that is not the same as knowing I’d be content with only His love.
I know I grow through hard times (James 1:2-4). The Lord is with me, and will never leave or forsake me (Hebrews 13:5-6). He works all things for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28-29), and He is faithful and trustworthy (Deuteronomy 7:9).
And yet I wonder. Can I be content to simply know His love?
In His mercy, God gave me a second reprieve. Unsolicited advice from an acquaintance led to the cause of my headaches and successful treatment. They are almost totally all gone, along with the debilitating symptoms that accompany migraines.
I can’t remember when I’ve felt so good, and am rejoicing at God’s mercy.
But His question lingers. “Am I sufficient?”
We recently sang Bill and Gloria Gaither’s “Because He Lives,” including the line, “Life is worth the living, just because He lives.” And I wondered, “Do I mean it?”
God not only lives. He chose me, loves me, protects me, provides for me. He said, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (Matthew 28:20), and “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).
I have life because of Him. But, is life worth the living just because He lives?
Is He sufficient? The question is valid for all who know Him. Jesus gave His all for us; He “fills all in all” (Ephesians 1:23), and He wants to be our all. The question is, “Is He enough?”
Do you know His love? Would His love be sufficient if He were all you knew?
Copyright © Kay Camenisch, used with permission.
Kay Camenisch is a pastor’s wife, mother, and grandmother. She delights in seeing God’s Word applied in people’s lives, leading to stronger relationships with God and with one another. Kay and her husband, Robert, co-authored The Great Exchange: Bound by Blood, which explores the commitment the living God has made so that we can better understand that He is sufficient in any situation. She is also the author of Uprooting Anger: Destroying the Monster Within.She has been published in The Upper Room and The Lookout. Contemporary Drama has published one of her plays, and she is a regular contributor to a newspaper column. Learn more at randkcamenisch.com.